Now I'm Sick. And Tired. And Pausing.

 Hello, everyone and no one. I'm sick. I've picked up something my DH brought home. I'm resting. And I've decided to...give all of this a rest, for a little while. 

It has been two weeks and one day since I submitted my manuscript to my dream publisher. That means that I have a potential four weeks to six weeks of waiting to go. 

Once I have an answer, then... I'll have my answer, one way or another. 

If this publisher decides to pass on me, life is going to go on, and I know precisely in which direction.

No more agents. 

No more... begging. 

I'm gonna take control of my own destiny, as it were.

I'm going to self-publish.

It is never anything I thought I would ever be driven to do. Honestly. Just a handful of years ago, an agent snapped me right up. I had an audience with the Big Five. I'm talented enough. I'm original enough. I'm--enough. 

Yet... the world today is just...all twisted and tangled up in such a way...that I no longer have a place in the traditional context of publishing. It doesn't matter how talented I am. It doesn't matter how unique my story is. Sadly, the agenda (and there is an agenda; an agenda is practically all there is) is everything, and nothing that I bring to the table fits in with it. Sigh. Those in the world that welcomed me eagerly a handful of years ago and appreciated what I'd created have nothing for me now, because I'm simply not "on message." 

So, I'm just going to take a deep breath, y'all, and do a lot of acceptance and understand that... I am hoping against hope that my dream publisher will take me on. 

But if this isn't in the cards, I'll accept this, too. 

Because then... I'll be the one in control. And I can write all seven of my books and turn them out and just market myself and... it will happen. 

That's the point that I have to hang onto: It. Will. Happen. 

The next thing you hear from me, friends (who presently don't exist but I hope, someday, will materialize) is going to be an announcement one way or another: I've been taken on by my dream publisher, or my dream publisher has passed and I am now ready to launch into a new dream all of my own creation.

This is something I used to be very afraid of. 

Now? I've reclaimed it. I welcome it. 

Four to six more weeks. I'll have my answer, and my direction. One way or another. 

Until then.