This is not a peaceful time, by any means. The bring-down of Roe is... beyond description. Something that I can't believe is actually happening now. Every day I wake up to something else that makes me wonder, how is it that we're 22 years into the 21st century and everything is... like this?
I am a mother of two daughters and I am very concerned about the state of the world they are going to inherit. I am grateful that I have two daughters. I am grateful that my choice to have them was a choice that I was freely able to make.
Once upon a time, I did have an abortion. It is something that I have always felt very neutral about, honestly. Neither good nor bad... it was necessary. I was a junior in college and at this time, I was without proper treatment for the social and emotional dysregulation I suffered as the result of my early childhood traumatic brain injury. And I was in the midst of my third spiral that was leading up to my third in-patient psychiatric hospitalization. I got entangled with a boy that was not right for me, in a situation that was not right for me. I had always taken care to be mindful of my sexual encounters, properly protect myself, but in the state I was in, I was without the rationality to remember this. And I became pregnant without this being something I wanted. Or, moreover, at that time, needed.
The state of pregnancy caused me to fall apart even faster. I had a complete breakdown and wound up in the hospital. And I had to get away from this person, I knew that for sure, even though I was hardly lucid. He was bad for me. And I was already bad off enough. My state of psychological duress caused me to begin to hemorrhage. The pregnancy was stabilized, but I was in no condition to follow through with it. I was in dire need of medication that I couldn't take while in this state. And I was in no condition to take on the responsibility of motherhood; I couldn't even take care of myself. I was 21, but quite on the verge of ending up on a conservatorship. I was faced with the prospect of long-term psychiatric commitment if I kept the pregnancy, which carried with it having to drop out of college, then possibly go to a halfway house or back home to my family in shame.
So I made the choice to terminate the pregnancy. The hemorrhaging continued, and though they said it was a type of bleeding that wasn't necessarily going to mean an end, there was a higher likelihood that this was going to be the case. And the last thing I needed was a baby, one that had been made with someone to whom I had no business being connected for the rest of my life. I needed psychiatric medication. I needed to regroup and start over and try again for stability. I needed to finish my education and try to push forward in my life.
I needed the abortion that I got. Without it, I can't even know what would have happened. I can know for sure that none of it was good. My ability to have that abortion for me was indeed a matter of life and death.
As I said, I have always felt neutral about it. I wasn't out of the first trimester. Other women in my family disclosed to me, they'd been in similar situations and they'd made this choice, too. It was necessary. So I did it. And I'm not sorry.
I understand the the Roe rollback only sends the decision back to the states as far as each state having the ability to decide yay or nay or whether to provide abortions, but my concern is that it isn't going to end here. And I'm just so confused as to why the government needs to be in the middle of so many things that are honestly a matter of personal choice and preference and have no bearing on anyone other than the individuals making these personal choices. And I'm disheartened as I so often am that yet again, in the name of a faith that I call my own, the people whom I still struggle mightily with resenting are using an otherwise beautiful faith to oppress and beat people up and doing everything to drive them away.
I don't know what to do. Honestly? I seriously don't. My heart breaks, my soul is grieved, but... what can I do? I know I can be mindful of whom I vote for, I know I can support organizations that are actively fighting for the rights that I want my daughters to have. And honestly, I'm just praying a lot. Praying for balance. For this societal war to stop. For there to be oneness within the collective whole.
And I am doing my best to just find peace in my daily life. Waking up each day and being the best mother and wife I can be and giving my all to make my family a nourishing place full of nurturance and love and instill in my daughters a sense of agency and awareness of what is wrong and right in this world and try to empower them to go out and change things.
This is where I am focusing my energy, above all. On raising them. This is their world. I want them to be ready to grow up, to rise up, to take their place in it and make it better.
I love teaching. I love writing. But for me, as archaic as it may sound, as much as those who are progressive will probably find themselves with a bitter taste in their mouths where I am concerned...my first and best role is serving my family.
That is where I will make the best difference that I can make. To focus on making their young lives ones that are stable, whole, secure, and aware. To focus on giving all of my best energy to the children that I thank God and thank Roe that were my choice to bring into this world at a time at which I was ready.
Yes, as much as I am certain few to none will understand me... the traditional path of devotion to motherhood and homemaking is my own way of being revolutionary. I'm using everything I've been given to ensure that my daughters have everything they need, and more, to take this world by storm, to be a part of the solution.
Nothing matters as much to me... no matter how successful I may become as an author, no matter how well I might perform as a teacher...my first, last, and best responsibility in this life is to be the best mother I can be to my daughters so that they are as prepared as possible to face and forge their way in this angry, fragmented world and, God willing, help it to heal.
And this is where, in the midst of all the chaos, I find my peace.
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