There are two beautiful elements of AA that have come to define not only how I live my life but also, how I relate to others: one, an individual's concept of a Higher Power is entirely dependent on whatever that individual decides. What I believe is what I believe, only. Two, in AA, we never give advice; even the 12 Steps are but suggestions. All we do is share our experience, what works for us. If what we have is something someone else wants, then they are free to do what we've done to get where we are. If it isn't? We move on.
In the spirit of both of these tenets, I'll open up a little more about my own personal relationship to my own Higher Power that I call God most of the time. Another name that I use to define this Higher Power is Jesus. And the Bible is a source of a tremendous amount of wisdom for me as far as constructing a sober life that yields as much peace as someone with my particular set of neurological challenges can expect.
At no point does my sharing of my own personal beliefs and lifestyle choices amount to my saying that because I choose thus, everyone should also. Nope. Above all else, I advocate for a free and responsible search for truth which is the business of each individual alone, and sure as hell isn't anything I would ever get in the middle of. There's enough of those fools out there already. If you've looked at past posts, you'll see I even expended a considerable amount of energy going off about people who do this.
That being said, I'm going to continue to uphold what I've always promised to up hold for the future y'all reading this: I'm going to keep it real.
My whole life I've struggled with never feeling like I measured up; I didn't. I was a neurodivergent individual measuring myself by neurotypical standards. I was a bird feeling like garbage because I couldn't manage to swim.
I know that now. But the pain of a life lived like this has a way of sticking with you, burying down deep and coming unearthed when you're feeling vulnerable. Such as, for me, right now: having written a book that I'm now putting out there and facing more rejection that I would have imagined. I'm vulnerable as hell. There's something about it that makes me feel very alone, that takes me back to the aloneness I felt when I was a teenager.
The same question is coming up now that came up then: am I enough?
The answer is now as it was then, though I didn't know it: Yes. Where it counts.
Where does it count? Some place you might not expect.
This is where my own concept of Biblical Feminism comes in. Feminism, of course, is the definition of equality between the sexes. I have found a biblical context where this idea fits. As I've shared earlier, I define my own gender identity as being akin to being female like creatures in nature are female, like the Mother of Creation, that I am filled with the energy that gives and nurtures life. That is who I am.
And so, in the context of the Bible, I find that this is a very good fit for just who and what it is that I am.
Proverbs 31 lays out a plan that fits who I am, that gives me a direction to strive for. This verse is interesting. I won't go into a whole exegesis of it right now, but this verse inspires me to get up, work hard, be industrious for the good of my family, to speak life and wisdom, to care for those in need. And this industriousness is invested in my husband, my children, and my home, all as unto the Lord.
I am good with this. As someone who never measured up in life, it is comforting to me to know that I will always measure up to God on my worst day as well as my best. And as long as I know I've gotten up each day and I have given my all in efforts to care for my family and my home and I've tried to do the right things not even for their favor as much as out of the desire to love and give back to the God who has given me so much, then I am doing okay.
I am equal to my husband as a fellow heir to the grace of life. Equal, and different; we both have different roles and responsibilities to fulfill. But I am empowered when I am focused on what really matters.
Yes, I suppose, it would seem like a very old idea. Wouldn't I seem like a relic straight out of the 1950s? Perhaps I am. My spirit is ancient, I'm sure of it. But this is where I find my greatest fulfillment. I can't say this is for anyone else. I can only say this is a way of life that gives me peace.
Even where my novel is concerned, the reason that I'm keeping these blogs and putting things out there...I feel compelled to offer my wisdom and experience for anyone who might benefit from it. Even now, while I'm still in-between having this finished book and finding a forever home for it, while there is no one even looking at this blog and I am just speaking into the ether...I feel like it is what He wants me to do. I feel like He has a purpose for all of this that I might not yet understand.
And so I continue to move forward. Who I am in the eyes of the world or anyone else doesn't matter; it matters who I am in the sight of the One I call my God. The investment of any of my energy goes into the nurturance and care of my family, or the teaching of wisdom and kindness to others.
This is a way of life that brings me peace today.
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