A Balanced Day, An Inward Uncertainty

 I am naturally quite imbalanced, chemically and otherwise. Achieving balance takes a lot of work and dedicated effort. 

If I allow myself to go on autopilot, the following things will occur: I will take my meds; I will drink copious amounts of coffee; I will chain-smoke on the porch; I will produce literature. 

Sounds divine? Well...

Meanwhile, I have children to raise, a husband to care for, a house to make a home, duties for my literary agency internship and asynchronous online teaching job to attend to, a spiritual condition in need of maintenance...in short, there are a lot of parts of my life that need my focus, energy, and attention. But if i am left to my own devices, all I will do is write. Hypergraphia. It's a problem.

So I have to coach myself through each morning: get up. take medicine. and get dressed. make breakfast for the children. make coffee. sit down for my prayer time..let me pause here for a moment.

Ah, prayer time. .this is very important, because it is how I ground and center each day. I have a google doc set up that I make a copy of each day. I watch a devotional, I read scripture, I write down prayers and affirmations, and then I consider the areas that I just described that are parsed out into columns specific to each where I set a goal. Then I finish by saying specific sets of prayers assigned for different days. 

I have to put myself into manual, lest I drift into automatic. 

So today was a balanced day. I focused my energy on the home, on the children, on all the areas. When I do this work, I feel very stable, indeed. 

I am a high-maintenance girl, that's for sure. It takes a lot of effort and a whole lot more pharmaceuticals for me to do life in some semblance of normal. 

But the work is worth it, when I look around and see a clean home, a husband who comes home after a long day of work and is able to relax, when I served a meal for dinner that everyone enjoyed, when I know I've lived up to Proverbs 31 to the best of my ability. 

Inwardly, however... I struggle. My damn manuscript. How my husband had to remind me that I only submitted the full Thursday; I could have sworn it has been two weeks already.

This warrants a separate post. I need to angst. I'll be doing that a lot, I daresay.