The In-Between Times are Just Hard.

 The one vow I will always strive to uphold to my future readership is to keep it real. 

And in the spirit of keeping it real, I'll be honest: I am really struggling right now. 

I'm in the midst of one of those in-between times in life. I've experienced a number of them, as you will know if you've checked out my prior posts. Ever since I began my journey in sobriety on January 10th, 2016, God started change everything I ever knew about my life.

And He hasn't stopped yet. 

It has all been for my good, as promised. But just like the process of moving is inherent stressful, even if you were moving from an apartment into a mansion, so is His kind of moving. 

There's nothing that messes me up more than being in-transit. 

A huge part of my symptom manifestation where my damaged brain is concerned puts me on the spectrum of Autism. As such, I have a very desperate need to be in control of my environment, my routines, to know what's coming next. 

When things get shifted around, or when others are the ones who determine these things, boy does it ever make me uncomfortable. 

I had a nervous breakdown in October of this past year which in context would be best referred to as autistic burnout. The school system was in such chaos that the routine continually changed and I never knew what to expect to the point that I became overwhelmed, I couldn't handle it, and I pushed myself to try to handle it to the point that I nearly had to be institutionalized. Again. 

I had to leave this job. It was harrowing because...I'd been there for three years, the longest I'd ever lasted at any job. I really thought that this time, I was going to overcome the thing that finally caught up with me...the thing that isn't built to withstand an external working world where I'm not in control of much of anything around me. 

God was yet again doing a thing. He saw fit to remove me from this situation. And he did what He always does: He gave me something better. 

It had always been my dream to teach from home, be a housewife, to get my girls out of public school and homeschool them. Within a few months, all of these things were happening. I was also able to get on ADHD meds that have changed my way of getting things done. 

Boom! God did a thing. 

Additionally, I tore down and rebuilt my whole novel concept from 2016 that had been repped and in the hands of HarperCollins Children and three imprints of PRH. 

I wrote two books, y'all. 

#blessed, much? 

But yet... my anxiety pitches and spins. It was change, it was being in transit. 

So here I am yet again, now with two whole ass novels and about three more on the way. 

And doors haven't been quite opening in the way I imagined that they would. 

Then, a publisher that appears to be everything I'd ever want has requested my full. Fingers crossed.

This isn't a guarantee, but it is something...if nothing else, a reminder:   He's got something in store for me better than anything that I could have hoped for. 

With as many times as He has come through for me, I'm rather ashamed at how I struggle in these in-between times to trust His providence. He always provides. Everything He takes away, He gives me something better. Every prayer answered with "no" has always led me to a bigger and better "yes" than I could have ever conceived of.

All I can do is accept that these seasons are hard, but also remember His legacy of taking me always and ever higher. 

He hasn't brought me this far to drop me on my butt and walk away.