On Being Still and Knowing.

 I am at such a major in-between season in my life right now. 

Oh, the process of writing and then attempting to plant this book. I write because, in a word, I can't not. This story exists in me, and it has to come out. And so it has. So it continues. I've progressed midway through the third of a probable seven books in this series. 

And the first of which is now making its way however falteringly through the world. It is out with a  publisher who should be getting back to me any day now with their decision. It is out with an agent as well. 

The waiting is painful. And I already knew this. I've been through this cycle before. It is abjectly nonlinear. What seems like it is going to be one step forward ultimately proves to be an about-face return right back to where you began. This will go on for months. It may go on for years. You may rise to heights higher than you'd ever imagined only to be dropped right back down to square one. I've seen people gushing on Twitter about getting signed with an agent, the champagne bottle popped with husband and friends...and I softly sigh because... dear friend, take a moment to take a breath. This is not the be-all, end-all that it seems. A step forward, yes, but... it may end in a champagne-worthy conclusion, or it may not. The agent will pitch with your query letter. They are facing even greater, more exclusive giants. May God bless you with success, but nothing is certain...nothing but rejection. Anything else is an exception of divine proportions. 

This go-round is even more challenging. Bafflingly so. Despite the fact that the original concept got so far on such comparably little effort and heartache and this redone version is three times better... there has been so much more push back. 

Seventy plus rejections, and they're still rolling in. No interest. No room on anyone's list. Even my parents, who had always been at least marginally supportive and interested are now so very hands off, disengaged. 

It has hurt, it has caused me confusion to the point of heartbreak in moments. But still, I write. But still, I keep pushing on. 

I'm just in the middle of a major in-between season. And it is huge. And despite the frustrations and unfulfillment and setbacks in the present, if I know God at all and what He's already done in my life, in other in-between seasons...everything that seems to be bad is actually good. 

He has a plan for me, a plan for my story. I am on my way to it. And the reason I'm having all of these doors closing and all of this pressure is because He is pushing me toward some particular end. An end He has already chosen, one which I couldn't ever even imagine or get to on my own. 

He has done this for me so many times in my life before, and He is doing it now, big. 

This in-between season is a time to truly count it all joy, because I am growing not only spiritually, but in my commitment to telling this story, to pushing it out. If He made this easy for me, it wouldn't be as worth it. But each difficulty faced, each challenge accepted, each moment when I have to keep striving without accolades, without external validation, I am being forged in fire. 

It is almost exciting, in a way, when I step back and look at the big picture. This is just how He works in my life. When I am crossing over a major bridge, growing from one place into a place of abundant blessings, a place that is another piece of my heart's desire fitting into place, He doesn't just make way. No, He makes me strive for it, pray for it, trust in Him for it, press into Him for it, reach my hands up higher and use every disappointment and dead end to hold a little closer to Him. 

He has always had a plan for my life. And in every in-between season, when I have chosen to affirm His love and ask Him to grow me, to make me ready to receive, in due time, I get to that other side. And what He's got waiting for me is even better than what I could have conceived. 

So it is where I am today: Psalm 37:4-- I will delight in You, Lord, and You will give me the desires of my heart. You've never failed me, and I know You won't, ever. I affirm this in Jesus' name, Amen.